By Sweat of Brow. Joanna's Page 53
Yulia Ivanova
By Sweat of Brow. Joanna's Page 53
* * *
The great count with his religious and moral quest, repairing the roof of a poor widow, a farmer and shoemaker, Earl, was clear and it is now close. Though Father Tikhon, and believed that the graph has fallen victim to his own pride.
'The madness has dared to rewrite the Gospel! And pride is a wall that separates from God'.
Joanna a little 'churched'. She went on Sundays and holidays in the church, trying to observe the fasts, is regularly read morning and evening prayer rule, was at to confessions and communions.
She accustomed to long services to kicks of possessed grandmas, who also got used to it and even allowed watch over a candlestick before the icon of the Savior. She loved to change burnt candles extinguish fingertips, for some reason is not burning, take the new, crossed with the bow.
To arrange a semi-circle of growth, shoot with candlestick wax stains are still warm; so it seemed, could stand for hours, feeling strangely blissful state of relaxation.
And she liked that she now could at least partially shield those who came into the service the first time, or accidentally and who grandmas attached, 'Do not stand so, do not christen so, without a headscarf, with painted lips, why in the pants and so on with the explicit purpose to scare away all of the temple.
She immediately took to the protection of victims, put a candle in it a better place, and smiled, and encouraged, and in a whisper asked to forgive old women, who during the rebellion had to defend the temple from the raging bullies almost hock...
They watch because of habit, guarding the holy place, as they can. So should we all come to church more often, to become masters, and to correct the sins of their fathers and grandfathers.
That we need voices for the chorus...
Joanna liked to sing at church choir too. 'Men cannot see God, ranks of angels do not dare to look at him...'
But in general, it probably did not succeed to be churched for real, like Luzhino's community, Gleb and Varya...
They lived it. Not to mention Ignatius.
God and the church for it is still not merged into one, but she was drawn to the temple. By the candlestick, the grandmother of the choir, the father Tikhon who regarded it as his spiritual son.
And she grew up without a father, a child meekly confessed to him what anyone else for anything that would not be admitted.
'I think I love nobody,' she lamented again, 'Reletives, and family... Of course, I was doing what was necessary, but this is so, willy-nilly... The relationship is supported only with the right people from whom I get something, I do not have any friends.
For me, both people and things; what I wanted, now I have. They need attention, sometimes it's nice, sometimes a burden.
Mom wrote reluctantly and rarely, birthday cards and the new year. She first wrote to me long letters, all complaining of depression and loneliness...Then, perhaps, realized that shouting into the void, she wrote less and less.
And I do not know that she is seriously ill. Even at the funeral did not come, did not interrupt the trip abroad.
'Love thy neighbor...'
But how to love, father, if you cannot?
'Do you want me to come about? 'Love', Joanna, means sacrifice, that is Self-sacrifice. Your neighbor eats your time, peace, vitality, sit on the neck. And sometimes repay the blackest ingratitude... The man is an evil and sinful.
This is a great feat to give himself to be crucified for the sake of others. Again, people are evil. How can the words 'Love thy neighbor as thyself' and 'Who for my sake will not leave his mother, husband, children, is not worthy of me'?
It is necessary to distinguish between love of neighbor from idolatry and man pleasing; these are all serious sins, and the face of sometimes barely distinguishable...Seen in each image of God and a way to serve it, clean of the filth; this is what the Lord calls.
Or mercy.
Feed, shelter, Bandage wounds, console, please visit the prison.
But here you can get confused.
Recently, this guy came up to me, the son of a parishioner. Hands trembling, he shakes the whole. 'Give said, father, three rubles sober, or else I will sin: steal something or hang myself.' Well I gave it to him. Right or wrong, I do not know. And if he committed something? And as such had passed. Then he came sober, promised to be treated ...
Only the Lord our hope, we ourselves are good from evil, and sometimes cannot tell, do not see their sins. This is a great gift to see their sins, that's half the battle. Thank the Lord.
But the demand from you more severely, if know what they do.
Pray so: Lord, I have a cold heart, and I do not want you to him melted, right? I like that boy in the fairy tale, whose heart has turned into a piece of ice and he felt nothing.
But it is said that even if you are doing miracles, and love does not have not enter into the kingdom. How can we, the infirm, to be?
Just pray humbly pray the publican, 'Blessed be God, merciful to me a sinner'.
I believe the Lord hears, for "'sacrifice to God is a broken spirit, contrite and humble heart God will not despise'.
Commit your life to the Lord, Joanna, and he made all the miraculous. And my heart will come to life for good, and the soul spread its wings.
'Rejects the dust of earthly vanities', as Pushkin wrote, and fly...
'Father, you bless yourself to make hard on the ground, and flowers to sell blessed. You said, 'Be, Joanna, as Martha..."
'I did. Stale flowers to sell is a sin. You will lose money but if you do so your soul will suffer far worse.
The buyer will bring a bouquet to his wife at the birthday party, and the flowers will fly; what shame!
And will vote in your address, and the Lord hears... You put in your pocket and steal something from the soul, for eternity!
This is what we, crazy, do not think. We feel sorry for the ruble, and the soul do not mind...
'I will not, father...'
'You will, Joanna.
The Lord said to Nicodemus, 'Ye must be born again.' That from the spirit.
There's even the apostles after the crucifixion of the Lord... Initially frightened, confused, but as they got off on the day of Pentecost, tongues of fire, as were all filled with the Holy Spirit and spoke in tongues, and all they knew...
It is not fluctuated Bole, went to their death, For felt immortal, like gods.
'And on my servants and on my handmaidens in those days will I pour out my Spirit and they shall prophesy,' read from the Gospel father Tikhon, 'The sun turned into darkness and the moon into blood, before the day of the Lord the great and glorious; And it will be, that whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.'
Yes, Joanna, good stories, wise. That is the beauty and sleeps and sleeps all around the kingdom. In the web of all sin.
But such a sweet sleep! And wait - there will be a prince and wakes...
All of us from time to time, sleep, Joanna. And you cannot sleep because a dense forest and wolves are around. When you realize injustice of earthly existence and his own weakness to confront this injustice, and the impossibility of living in sin and darkness, then shout,
'Save, Oh Lord, I perish!
You will cry as a new mother in pain; to such people he comes.
And converts, produces over.
Each fruit should ripen. And the other way and hang up the winter until the rot, or freeze.
Lukewarmness must have had as whooping cough, or chickenpox, and pray for healing.
And who is recorded in the Book of Life, must be born again.
'And I, thought Joanna, 'am I recorded? Like I hear the Call, and go, but slowly. And again I play...'
'Do not worry,' as if reading her sad thoughts, encouraged Father Tikhon told us in consolation, 'You would not have sought me, if I had not found you...'
This is me about the Book of Life. Be zealous. 'Many are called but few are chosen'.
God loves and calls for all but very few people elect the Kingdom, while remaining lukewarm.
Then come to grief, loss and suffering; so that through them softened the heart, it's an aversion to sin.
The Lord who loves, punishes. Lord of all calls, but knows what it's all over, because for him no time. There is no past, present, future; he initially knows everything.
Time passes for us, and in it we are free to choose between good and evil.
Here Pushkin knew that Tatiana will not be an adulteress, and for having loved her, right?
You are the mind and the image of God. And the law of the heart, and the freedom to choose light or dark.
All sin, remember, stealing from myself. The same bunch of flawed; you put in your pocket, takes away from the soul.
Temptation, abuse, that is, battle, battle. Won-lost.
You have lost, sinned then you are wounded.
A lot of injuries is a possible death.
No one would have escaped, but we are redeemed by the blood of God, the Lord has conquered death.
Believe and pray for mercy.
'And prayed, the place was shaken where they were collected, and all filled with the Holy Spirit and spoke the word of God with boldness.
The multitude of them that believed were of one heart and one soul, and no one from the estate was his own, but all they had in common.
There was not any among them that lacked: for as many as were possessors of lands or houses sold them, brought the prices of sold.
And felt the feet of the Apostles, and each was given what he had need.'
(Acts 4: 31, 32,34,35).
Here it is where the real-communism is...
And she thought of Ignatius, who was given birth. And the fact that the elected representatives and the temptations are fiery.
She never spoke to Father Tikhon of Ignatius, or both, or on confession. And again and again, thanks to the Lord, that here she had nothing to repent...
All summer they have not seen - she worked hard in the black in construction, at a site on the market, fulfilling debt. And still managed to at night with eyes closing write a few pages.
Able to sleep for five or six hours, herself astonished that she could endured it
And she endured.
And then, finally, in October, the house was basically ready, the flower season is over. The scenario put, almost all debts paid. And then desperately wanted to see Ignatius whom she saw only an eternity in a dream.
One and the same dream: they wander together among the pines Luzhino's sunset, and the spirit of Alma's red weightless as they looked like a flying pace, barely touches the dewy grass in an infinitely long jump.
Denis came only to sleep, Philip drove off with her daughter Lisa to Pitsunda, and mother-in-law said that although very fond of dogs, and generally not hurt a fly, and Anchar handsome and clever, but the question is about her life and death.
And since they now have a cottage, and she personally freed from the cares of Joanna at home, education, and the grandson of Denis washing shirts, then let her daughter in law, in any way renounce personal comfort for the family.
In vain Dennis was explaining that Luzhino's 'personal comfort' is more reminiscent of a field camp and construction site - mother in law just kept saying that they all conspired to be the death of her light.
In Luzhino Denis appeared rarely, mostly to talk about this or that scenario episode. Construction and related collapse, piles of garbage, gravel boards and inspired him to fear. Like the new look of his wife - emaciated, subsidiaries tanned, in torn tracksuit standing on its stake to drip glue, mortar and paint.
Yana, one of all of this apocalypse, inexplicably with the control. Does not require any Denis male hands, no money, which he was terribly afraid, for neither one nor the other was not... Yana, jump from a high spiritual subjects for construction trade jargon, and sometimes breaking in clarifying the relationship with 'workers on swearing.
He did not understand what was happening. How does the running of the modest cottages, which they somehow scraped together some money in the spring, grows on a large scale, something fundamental. And where in the literary lady, with whom he lived for a quarter century, suddenly woke up a such multiprogramming construction and gardening (he did not yet know that shopping) super robot. Qualified diving with a pliers to go haywire gas boiler, then brush on the ladder to the ceiling, then writhes scrap the old currant bush...
'Wait a bit,' she screamed, forced his way in passing a thousand urgent matters. When you can finally washed and dressed, put to his cheek and go back for a few hours to a normal life. Reconciled with laughter; it was such a person!
He was afraid that she would ask for help and at the same time afraid of her new superwoman with the hammer, all-knowing all-powerful, and about anything without asking.
And when she finally became old and they worked side by side, as always, and he sat at his wife's uncle's desk, sipping your favorite jasmine tea 'your master as my grandfather said) he gradually calmed down and talked about this.
And Joanna pretended that she was interested.
And what could she tell him? Of an unknown force, which so powerfully and persistently takes it from a friend, the usual. But she, fearing the fire, playing the wrong game, sometimes enthusiastically, to the point of exhaustion.
Itself is not really understanding why this house her eager flight, freedom from vanity, and became a farmhand, a slave to the house and a piece of land. Confined to this building and garden business and debt...
Now here Anchar, delighted fussing for birds and butterflies, with whom I had not just regular walking, but also to care for him as a child more than a few hours does not leave.And that still had to take, because mother-in-law was right: Joanna really threw, voluntarily or involuntarily, her family, she lived her own life.
She had at least some of its humor. And indeed in the country needs a dog.
Joanna shook, tore off his old life, habits, communication, as the mire of the swimmer that has chosen to finally welcome, but an unknown shore from some hateful closed reservoir.
The new slavery brought this coast or that some unknown until, unmanifested form of freedom. She did not know. Just a mysterious force, which she obeyed his will, would have it, and not otherwise. And perhaps it was a voluntary submission, and freedom as recognized necessity to obey the will of the ...
Obedience to the will?
'Probably,' she thought 'the question is, whose it is, it will.'
The two seemed to be mutually exclusive early laid the Creator in man: freedom and obedience.
Slavery and rebellion that's the history of mankind, especially Russia. And the way each individual.
We yearn for freedom, and our wicked, sinful, destructive and will destroy us and all around. And then ... we crave slavery.
To obey one's a will is a wise, fair, cleansing, good.
And we create idols, do not find such in the person of the wicked rulers of the earth, too, the slaves for someone and something.
Disappointed in all sorts of "isms" in their own slave passions, lusts and idols, and re-thirsty ghost of freedom.
A vicious circle.
Freedom does not like opposition, confrontation, and as a union, a merger is possible only in God.
Holy Trinity, Trinity, freely united love. Three in One.
Only the Truth is absolutely free. Voluntary submission of freedom itself only here can put two of the abyss.
Mingling freely, freely obeyed absolutely free, I'll become free.
Spirit is holy and free, and freely mingling with the Spirit, I become free.
'I told ye are gods, the Spirit of God within us, and giveth life 'goes where it wants'.
This our essence, yearning for his native element.
Freedom is freedom from all interfering with the freedom to connect. Two of the abyss, according to Dostoyevsky they are needed.
Without them there would be no liberty would be meaningless story.
Their combination of the end of world history. In this combination, reconciliation of freedom and obedience the deep sense of history, the path of sin and the crucifixion to the resurrection.
Road 'to the sun from the worm'...
But if there is no freedom without choice. He, the Creator ... Does the choice of Truth Itself?
'Yes, of course' will explain Father Tikhon later, 'destroy disobedient mankind has fallen, or to save? Atone for their own meal on the cross...
God became man, fallen man to re-deified.
Divine Blood redeemed the return of everyone to the primary God-likeness (image and likeness' sense of the world's way.
And woe to anyone who steals from God. That is, the more enticing, forcing them to give their time, health and ability are not the cause of salvation and enlightenment priceless human soul, and his own infinite lust.
What is the whole society is based and consumption. That is, it is fundamentally flawed and contrary to God.
You are stealing not only her soul, her destiny in eternity, but other forces to serve his sin.
'You are bought with a price'... Christ freely and voluntarily chose the Cross flour to save us.
'Let this cup pass from me ... However, I do not like, and how you want.'
Here it is, a choice that's where two of the abyss closed. Freedom and obedience.
Free obedience to the general objection to the case of flour, creatures and deities, the cause of the great sacrificial love for the sake of restoring the unity of the world. God and man ...
'Thine own of Thine you bringing to all and for all'. Here is show us the way.
Freedom is a recognized need of obedience to the Creator, who is the Way, the Truth and the Life.
Well, as it is know that the Divine Will?
Give your life a unique and inimitable, simple village priest the world thought it would be madness. World from which she had left.
Joanna finally realized a runaway, as well as blessed Father Tikhon.
Who is she now? A lndowner? A flower?
Come fall, she banged on the window to return to Moscow, and will have to live like before. Playing his former self.
Joanna, who dies, but not born again.
Who is she now? How to live on?
'The Lord will show,' said father Tikhon, though foreseeing that Dennis will be able, as an honored worker of arts, to secure a permit for a primary connection of the gas; this fall, not next summer as planned.
They came to explore and nimble fellows, because it was not for joy about the generous trade 'premium', immediately dragged acetylene-oxygen, tubes and hoses.
And work has begun to boil.
A few days later in the kitchen inexhaustible distant fiery river broke through four hot quivering blue geysers.
And come to life, rustled stiffly heating boiler. Something breathed, long pierced the boiler tapping, humming, inflamed. Guys conjured with the keys and buckets, something poured, poured, to tighten up, foul language.
And then, finally, struck.
The boiler rumbled smoothly and peacefully, one after another, warmed, came to life under the hand of Joanna Ice radiators, and it's all here, in Luzhino, it seemed a miracle.
'A miracle' immediately washed under pickles and boiled potatoes on the stove in his uniform. The boys are gone quite happy, having, besides money, for instance children's books, Kravchenko Kolchugina with photo and autograph she stole from Denis happy newly-born writer rolled bundle for the group. Guys for some reason did not want to believe that Kravchenko the same Kolchugin, twirling this way and that picture, they say, 'he is not like'.
Kravchenko was like. He's just getting old, getting old, and their show.
Joanna thought that the sad law "nothing is eternal under the moon", including infinite series, can turn back to her happy release.
When you do not need to go any thumbnail, or in Ostankino, nor to the shooting, and did not have to write. And there's no corrections and comments...
With this thought she had experienced untold bliss and lifted to heaven a prayer to come true as soon as possible. And the long-standing dream of Denis joint foreign productions all so beloved uncle, Eugene 'theirs' detectives finally realized.
Soon the house reigned the African heat. Joanna opened the window at night, but the boiler does not shut off, so she loved this new toy.
All the next day, she will paint the box and batteries, oven potatoes in the oven, boil the kettle without end ...
Luzhino house more and more to fit her, her habits, tastes, making it as weighty, necessary and convenient, protective, as a shell for the turtle.
Every corner, every detail was thought through it, the house became invisible part of it, she could not without him, not realizing it the report.
With the usual melancholy thought of the inevitable move to Moscow (hibernate does not, in fact, in the country, as a bear!).
In the end, her family responsibilities, it is necessary to have a conscience ...
August passed in, September came, struck up the first frosts. Flowers, like, run out and work in the garden became more and more, no end in sight.
Dig dahlias, gladioli, plant a winter tulips, daffodils, all dry, put in storage... A garden, a garden, all there digging, pruning, canned...
A dirty, feral, with a peasant hardened hands (If necessary, happened to appear in the light, and someone tried to kiss her hand as usual, she stretched out her fist). Joanna was fed mainly bread, milk and tea with 'padded' a ruble per a kilo.
Money she had left, debts, too.
It was a wonderful warm day, the Indian summer.
She sat on the bench, substituting the face to the sun, chewing pilchards and bread, I thought that the house of the soul, and even drink tea... And suddenly I realized that there was nothing else he wants.
'My home is my castle'. Peace and Freedom.
'What is happiness; not to think, what bliss; not much to be'...
But suddenly wanted to see Ignatius. Only his house, it almost never touched in its global restructuring - only here the necessary repair.
Here it was, as in Ignatius.
She was part of with bated breath as the church, sat on a worn couch and closed her eyes.
Ignatius was there, she felt that way.
And they were silent dialogue without words, where it does not matter content, where everything is a miracle he replaced the invisible presence, even the smell of his cigarettes.
Although Vaya said Ignatius was tonsured and now do not smoke.
And then she broke down and went to Laura, giving his word just to look at him quietly and immediately leave.
As she expected, Gan was sent to the brethren in the refectory, she discerned him instantly. In the monastic garb, like others, he was carrying something white; it was a roll of paper or package, do not tell.
She stood in a silent crowd of women in head scarves, were in the same scarf and also did not move.
He did not stop seeing it, only slightly slowed down.
'Joanna... ' His smile of 'the 'wonderful distance... '
'I knew you today... Yes, I'm calling. This period is a lonely and difficult ... But the temptation will you pray for me... It was good that we saw, Joanna... Joanna...
He silently, without words, all these things unto her, away from the crowd of brothers.
That smile at the Joanna...
Free hand he crossed convolution, blessing, increasingly sharing their space, and she inexplicably feel on the forehead, shoulders, heart and searing touch of his fingers.
'In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit...'
Stop, a moment.
And then everything will settle itself. With the onset of cold weather it is a week her stay in Moscow, motayas every day at Luzhino.
Her house had been here as opposed to, for example, Lisa's daughter, which they soon caught on, undivided sway, improve and arrange well.
Do not become Joanna and townswoman, Muscovite, choking unrelieved loneliness against the mass of unwanted dating, activities, affairs and entertainment.
'I cannot leave the house and...'
It is presented as a heroic deed, self-sacrifice.
Household does not mind with the advent of Lisa's really all was settled, until the washing Denis shirts.
Just write scripts Lisa, unfortunately did not know how. So Joanna had yet to appear from time to time 'n the world'.
Oh, and do not shy away from conjugal duties / however, quite pleasant / as told to her father Tikhon, 'not to enter into her husband's sin of fornication', and sometimes to come to Moscow.
Then the snow fell in the Luzhino, who at once stopped everything.
Joanna enjoyed its pristine whiteness, silence, the ski runs, sometimes even at night, on the silvery moonlit skiing under the stars.
Light Lenten meal (vinaigrettes but porridge with salads, nuts, honey) and an abundance of spiritual food: Cooking Luzhino asked to take in and store a few boxes of books.
They had some trouble with the photocopier, accused of too active religious activities. "His" Man in the printing, it seems, even arrested, Joanna did not ask.
'You will say, the books were left by previous owners, in which case - quietly instructed Varya, loading boxes into the car.
It was not a little frightened, and confessed with shame that it is not ready to exploit. Happen that, as the children that they will be?
And all Joanna could not understand either before or now; what was the need for communists to adopt atheism against God? After fifty years of Soviet power, which the church has proven his loyalty?
As the Bolsheviks life after death was not interested, then there was no contradiction between earthly life and the righteous communist believer.
The future happiness of mankind, if you do not understand by this insatiable orgy of passion, and overall global pigging out wives, and the realm of spirituality and high ideals, creativity ... the Oneness of humanity, free from sin, overcoming the beast in yourself and know the sky is in the earth's life. Is not this a common dream?
This revolt was soon not only against the largely discredited the clergy, but also the result of ignorance in the matter of understanding the divine revelation, the Plan of the world and man.
The fatal mistake, for there is an unacceptable phenomenon for more than dreaming about the bright future of the human soul of universal happiness and justice than materialism, gross bourgeoisification of being.
'Do not worry, what to take with me?' Joanna joked from the Wariya, 'I'm crazy aunt moved out, sitting in his hole, mending stove.
So, probably, about her and thought.
Selected unsuccessful attempts to 'get' her impromptu raids with wine and barbecue already have it in the light of the same reputation as a crazy one that once was and Ignatius.
Friends drove into Luzhino's curiosity, and sometimes self-interest, the possibility of holiday fun for the most diverse and controversial goals.
They gasped, admired, asked. Joanna also, Aware of the possible clandestine spiritual background of each visit to (from the enemy, tempt from Heaven, a chastening) after drinking a glass or two, revived, sometimes wound up inspiring sermon.
And we cannot say, that it did not listen. Also gasped, asking questions, sometimes crying.
Moved Joanna to come calling again. But during the second visit convinced that the guest is not completely remember the last conversation, all have to start from scratch, and then again from scratch... And all the ends, in the end, missing eyes, yawn and 'sturgeon with a musty smell'.
Common frustrations neophyte... She soon got used to them, do not give up in despair over a lost precious time, but just kicked all intruders that trick, the references to employment or extreme illness.
And then do that they scare away, played up rumors about the 'moved down the roof of' any act or extravagant statement.
In general, it finally was left alone in that first winter in Luzhino alone with the beautiful books Varya's, snow, silence.
And with the heavens.
In the cellar there was plenty in store potatoes, pickles, stewed fruit, apples, you can easily observe the fasts and the store did not walk at all, except for bread.
On Sundays, running on skis to his father Tikhon, putting in the bag skirt (to enter the temple in a ski suit was not supposed to). And along the way, buying bread for the whole week, to sit all day by the fireplace with his legs in a chair, and together with the great Sky elect to ponder the meaning of life, the Creator's plan for man and how to ascend to Him.
And after the communion of light and joy to shed tears because my heart calm and pure, and love the whole world.
And lo and behold! Chickadees, which you feed, peck right from the palm of your hand, and uses the protein, and it seems like the sun itself tends to a head on your shoulder.
And hello to a stranger coming out of school kid, and everything is fine, and it seems always will be.
If ever it was...
It seemed, and always will be. Encouraging spring chores in the garden year-old gambling trade, enabling the blessing of the father Tikhon is gradually released from the material dependence in television, Denis, of the state...
And Denis is gradually freed from it.
Once he ordered a long time to live their series, aged Kravchenko went into the theater play by Chekhov. And he wrote his fairy tales.
Dennis finally broke through with the French project of international mafia, he wrote the script, just a little help of Joanna, glad that he was leaning, and is now able to fly.
Lisa took the shot, which created a furor of unearthly beauty, managed to give birth between the shootings and to farm.
In-law dug in the great-grandson, as once in Philip, but there was no scandal, Lisa firmly held the reins in his charming handles, cleverly taming even the evil passions of Philip on the part of Bacchus and Eros.
In any case, he was afraid of her and literally begged, drove once in a two-meter Luzhino with fashion model (oanna of course, kicked them).
'Mother, do not blab to Liza!
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